It seems like everyone is absolutely exhausted these days. Tired beyond reason. Like the kind of tired that sinks into your very bones and turns you into a depressed but sentient form of human goo that can do things like earn a wage but can’t do things like brush your teeth, shower, or make a phone call.

Luckily for you and for everyone else, I have a little secret. It’s called self-care. And if you do it, you will completely turn your life around, eradicate all your problems, become a more productive worker, a better partner, and a more involved parent. In fact, you could be a woman who has it all.

If you don’t do it? Well, everyone will resent you and talk about you behind your back for being such a complete and utter failure.

Isn’t this fun already?

Listen, we’ve all heard that systemic issues are to blame. And it sure can feel like it. Maybe you’re tired because healthcare is really expensive and so is housing and food and transportation but salaries absolutely have not grown to meet rising costs. Maybe you’re exhausted because you’re a parent and you just received notice that your child’s been exposed to COVID (again) and ebola (at least it’s new) and school will be closed 11 of the next 17 days and you have no backup childcare but somehow also still owe someone $1,000 for that. It could just be the daily grind of modern life, the 24 hour news cycle, everyone screaming at you from all directions no matter where you go.

I get where you’re coming from. But you’re wrong.

It’s all your fault! Isn’t that great?

Okay, okay, hear me out. Maybe you have anxiety because climate change and job insecurity and the stress of parenting and just general mental illness stuff. So, do you have therapist? Oh, therapists are too expensive? Have you tried making more money? All therapists in the area are booked? Have to tried calling some more? You tried it and didn’t click with your first couple and aren’t quite ready to try another one? Have you considered that you’re a quitter?

Did you know that there’s probably a venture capitalist firm out there who would give you the money to create a therapist using AI that would almost definitely (probably) work really well and not lead to more long-term psychic pain for the population at large? Have you tried that?

Now, I’m not a doctor, but I did once have the idea of creating an app that someone could use to become a licensed physician, so trust me when I say that I have the advice you need. Exhaustion and that deep pervasive tiredness could have a lot of causes. Here are some reasons you might be tired:

• You aren’t drinking enough water
• You’re drinking too much water
• You don’t do enough yoga
• You weigh literally anything at all
• You didn’t take a nap
• You took too long of a nap
• You stayed up too late working
• You saw someone else yawn and it made you yawn

That list isn’t exhaustive, but the point is that these are all things you could absolutely fix. I understand you’re in a bind. You want to better yourself, but the amorphous blob you’ve become is really holding you back. That’s why I’m here to give you a few self-care tips:

• Turn yourself into a houseplant in the home of an extremely responsible plant owner. They will give you the correct amount of water to help you grow and thrive. Plus plenty of sunlight.
• Make enough in investments that you can retire early and then spend all your time traveling all over the world and learning how people live. Eventually you’re bound to stumble across someone who holds the secret to immortality. You’ve got to. One of us will find them.
• Don’t look at blue light too close to bed time. It’s a little known fact that blue light will actually turn those memory crystal balls in your head blue, which makes your memories sad, and that’s how people become depressed.
• Try to find a spinning wheel somewhere and prick your finger on it so you can enter a deep and enchanted sleep. Everyone else will be too tired and busy to come wake you up. Score!
• Kids waking you up at night? Spend a week or two waking them up at least two to three times during the night. Then they’ll understand that it makes them tired and they won’t want to do it to you anymore.
• Simply float away on a cloud and escape all your problems.

Once you discover that the key to your happiness all rests on you, I bet you’ll turn it around. You can turn it all around. You have to turn it all around. You just have to.

You’ve made it this far, which means you’re really invested in your health and wellbeing. Congratulations! I’m proud of you. And as a reward, I’ll let you know the really simple trick to being well rested: Go to bed in a quiet, dark room. Keep the temperature in your house low. Don’t look at screens an hour before bed, drink some herbal tea, do some meditation, journal a bit, express your gratitudes to yourself, have all your clothes laid out for the next day, have all your meals prepped for the next day, take a shower, and take deep breaths. Go to sleep exactly on time and fall asleep immediately. Sleep for at least eight restful hours in the exact right position without any children, dogs, or partners to wake you up. Don’t have insomnia or chronic pain. Don’t set an alarm but wake up naturally with the sun to a peaceful, quiet home with no immediate morning responsibilities.

If you do this, you’ll be so awake, it’ll be amazing.

And to think! The key to this whole thing was just you doing the right thing all along.

Don’t you feel better now?