Category: Silliness

Pick the Mission: Impossible that fits your mood

As I mentioned in a previous post, I’m kind of on a Mission: Impossible kick. (If you want to read about that journey and determine whether you should get into this franchise, read about some of the best M:I tropes.)

I think I’m personally the egg on the first row, right-most spot. (Photo by Jeff Tumale on Unsplash)

One of the things that I like about this movies, besides it being really fun to watch Tom Cruise run around various cities as fast as he can, is that they’re all kind of different. There’s a lot that connects them as a cohesive group, but I also think each movie puts its own unique spin on the mission at hand. For this reason, despite the fact that they are all definitely action movies, each entry in the franchise gives you a little something different.

If, for some reason, you don’t want to spend your one precious life watching six very silly action movies, I’ll give you a guide. This way, you can decide on the movie that best fits your tastes and your mood. Much like Thomas More, there is a M:I for every season. (I think that joke is a bit of a stretch, but I’m leaving it in.)

The Original Mission: Impossible

Choose this one if: You like action movies that make you think, clever(ish) spy games, a mystery, lower stakes that still feel significant, you want fewer explosions, Tom Cruise looking like a young baby

The first entry into the franchise might be the most distinct. While it certainly still has goofy moments, some ridiculous set pieces, and an absolutely absurd action scene at the end, the original Mission: Impossible is the quietest and slowest moving of all six movies. I was surprised to discover that overall its more of a spy thriller and mystery and less of a big action piece.

If all you remember from this movie is Tom Cruise dangling in a white room, then you might be surprised by the rest of it too.

It’s definitely not a huge think piece. The scene where Ethan Hunt tries to use a 90s search engine to figure out what Job 314 stands for is, frankly, hilarious by modern standards. (The email addresses he concocts and the messages he writes are equally hilarious.) And near the end, I commented aloud that I was surprised by the lack of unrealistic action right before some absolutely absurd shenanigans.

But overall, it’s a pretty good little thriller. In scenes where Ethan Hunt confronts another IMF agent, the camera does these wacky angles to make the conversations more tense and I actually really enjoyed that it tried to put its own visual footprint on things. You know, before Ethan blows up a restaurant with a stick of gum or whatever.

(Oh, also, quick warning that this movie has one of the ickiest lines about women in the entire franchise. More on that in another post.)

Mission: Impossible 2

This picture works because the beginning of M:I:2 features silly rock climbing but also because you will mentally teeter precariously on the edge through the bolder “Huh?” moment of the movie (Photo by Hu Chen on Unsplash)

Choose this one if: You love the theatrical stylings of John Woo, you want to see Prince Henry from Ever After be a bad guy, early 2000s action movies are your thing, you like plots where the threat is a deadly pandemic, you want to turn off your brain completely

This Mission: Impossible is trying so hard to be cool. It’s like when you were a teenager and suddenly discovered what you needed to do and wear to be cool so you tried to do all those things but instead of being cool everyone could tell you were a major dork who was trying too hard.

Just me?

Anyway, this movie is very early 2000s action movie and because John Woo is always going to do his thing, it is also at times hilariously stylized and doves fly around for no reason.

The plot is sadly extremely relevant because the bad guy is trying to make money off a pandemic (he wants to start the pandemic and invests a bunch in the holdings of the pharmaceutical company that has the cure). I love a movie where the real villain is capitalism and greed! Also, Prince Henry from Ever After is cartoonishly villainous and it’s extremely over the top.

This movie also unfortunately invests very heavily in the “here’s a woman who is super awesome at her job but she’s going to become a love interest and do nothing interesting for the rest of the movie.”

I know all of the above makes this probably sound like a fun watch. It can be, but it’s also kind of painful at times and ultimately gets very boring, much like someone witnessing you trying to be cool when you were a teen.

But you do get the theme song exclusively played on an electric guitar, so there’s that.

Mission: Impossible 3

Choose this one if: You like a gritty reboot, you want to see JJ Abrams on full display, you revel in peak Philip Seymour Hoffman, you like someone trying to get out of the game but they keep getting pulled back in, the ultimate goal of the bad guy doesn’t matter to you, good mask shenanigans

I don’t know what it is, but when two sweaty, dirty characters end up in a dirty building and one of them is attempting to bring the other back to life through a form of CPR that is mostly just hitting the other person in the chest really hard, you know you’re watching a JJ Abrams joint.

It’s not that this movie has no jokes, but it definitely turns away from the stylized thriller and the campy action of the first two movies to present you with the real shit. Ethan Hunt only trains agents now, he’s out of the game. He’s in love for real. (Although the amount of time he spends lying to his fiancee in his movie, she should really leave him.)

This movie would benefit, I think, from leaning into its strongest asset: Philip Seymour Hoffman. He chews the scenery with relish and is overall incredible each second he’s on screen, which is not often enough! Also, spoiler alert: the late third act twist that the real villain of the movie is someone else is forgettable. Because who cares about that other guy.

While this movie features more than one woman, one of them dies for Tom Cruise’s character development, one of them is the one he must protect, and the third one can be a spy but only if she’s a sexy spy.

What does the bad guy in this movie ultimately want? I don’t know! It’s mostly just Tom Cruise and Philip Seymour Hoffman being mad at each other! And that’s beautiful.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

This! He climbs this! (Photo by Jeff Tumale on Unsplash)

Choose this one if: You love a romp, good action set pieces, fun spy capers, banter, you don’t need a strong bad guy to center around, increased landmark destruction, limited mask shenanigans, tropes are lampshaded

This might be the most fun of all the movies. And possibly the movie self-aware of the franchise as well. (If it’s not the most self-aware, it’s certainly the one that points out it’s self-awareness out loud the most often.)

I was initially shocked to discover this movie was directed by Brad Bird, who had previously only directed Pixar films. But if you think about it, who better to direct an action romp than the dude who helmed The Incredibles? It especially works because the action in these movies is often goofy and over the top.

Even if you haven’t seen this movie, you might be familiar with the most impressive stunt in it where Tom Cruise climbs the side of the Burj Khalifa, a super tall hotel whose sides are made up entirely of glass windows. It is pretty frickin’ incredible to watch and will make your adrenaline spike at the same time you’re laughing.

This movie probably also features one of my favorite car crashes ever (Tom Cruise purposefully driving off a ramp to go like twenty feet straight down).

Some of the movie doesn’t make much sense. But it’s so entertaining! You will laugh and enjoy. It’s not a chore. It’s just plain fun. The bad guy remains a mystery for a chunk of the movie and when he does finally appear he’s so underwhelming I can’t remember a single thing about him. But who cares? Tom Cruise climbs the Burj Khalifa!

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

Choose this one if: You want a straightforward action film

Of all the options, this one most solidly falls into the modern action movie category. I say that sort of rudely because I think this is the movie with the least personality. It’s more watchable than the second movie in the franchise, but it does not have a style. At least you know John Woo is doing John Woo. This movie doesn’t have a stamp on it.

It definitely has its moments. The opening is fun. Some of the technology is ridiculous in a good way (like Simon Pegg’s book computer or whatever the hell that thing is).

But I think ultimately it’s the most forgettable. Maybe if it just had a little more fun. There’s a pretty good moment after Ethan Hunt sort of drowns where he’s trying to do his normal action movie star thing but he can’t. The physical damage makes him slow down. But only for a couple minutes until he’s leaping around on motorcycles again. I thought it would have been much funnier and more memorable if he couldn’t recover, forcing him into increasingly desperate mental gymnastics as Simon Pegg attempts on the physical work.

I do remember that there were two bad guys who looked vaguely the same and I couldn’t tell them apart. Not much else has stuck in my brain!

Mission Impossible: Fallout

Choose this one if: You like when the stakes, action scenes and characters have all been cranked up to 11, you like some brooding and consideration, you like to see an action hero stare down previous actions and face the consequences of those actions

The first half of this movie is pretty good. The second half is nuts.

That’s a compliment.

I watched this one over the course of two nights. At the end of night one, I was a little underwhelmed. There had been some good scenes and moments (the fight scene in the bathroom being one), but I was waiting for something to click. Where were my mask shenanigans? Where was Tom Cruise running as fast he could?

The next night I sat down and the second half delivered hard.

I actually do like that in the first half of the movie, Ethan Hunt is forced to think about some of what he’s done. The brooding was extremely dramatic, but I am a sucker for the late installment of a franchise letting you know that the main character is messed up. It only makes sense that Tom Cruise would be traumatized by some of what’s happened to him! It doesn’t always make for super entertaining storytelling, but damn it if I don’t appreciate the swing.

And, like I said, the sheer amount of over-the-top absolutely ridiculousness of the second half more than makes up for a slow start.

If I have failed to capture your mood or preferences here, let me know, and I’ll happily assign you a Mission: Impossible movie to watch.

November 11, 2021
Have some bad advice

The world is full of advice and a lot of that advice is pretty bad.

It turns out that giving good advice is harder than it looks. I think this partially because if you reduce advice to a pretty generic level, it’s bound to be at least somewhat crappy. People are so different and employ such varying tactics to reach success that a piece of advice that’s great for one person is probably fundamentally wrong for someone else.

Some of it is that certain pieces of advice have become so baked into standard interactions that a lot if it is just tired at this point. Or, as many people are discovering, many classic pearls of wisdom are really so ill advised, they will simply cause the recipient to melt into a puddle of anger. (At this point I’m pretty sure if you run into a harried young parent in a grocery store who is about to undergo a nervous breakdown while their child screams nonstop and tell them to “Enjoy this while it lasts,” you deserve to receive at least one colorful swear word thrown back at you.)

I am good at giving myself bad advice. I do it daily. Not only that, I regularly tell myself the same kind of bad advice that for some reason I expect to be good advice today. Almost every morning I wake up telling myself that with a little work and some willpower, I’ll be able to fundamentally change my habits and who I am as a person. (Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work. For more on that, read about what I should know better by now.)

Recently, I was thinking about contributing my services to a silent auction by providing something different than a physical object or a solid deliverable of some kind. I had the thought that I could send someone daily affirmations, weekly compliments, a series of songs and GIFS and videos that were guaranteed to brighten their day. But my favorite concept idea was sending someone deliberately terrible advice.

Not the kind of terrible advice they might think is good advice. Advice that is so obviously bad they would absolutely never take it. For some reason, the idea of telling someone to smash all their computers with a hammer or only eat grapes from here on out really cracked me up. So I decided to do a short write up of some advice I have for you. It is very bad.

In fact, forget lemonade all together. Ponder the eternity of death while you eat a lemon rind. (Photo by Florencia Potter on Unsplash)

When life gives you lemons, juice the lemons, toss the juice, and then eat the dried out pulp and rinds with relish.

We’re all sick of hearing about making lemonade out of our extremely enormous pile of lemons at this point. But have we all tried to feast on the lemons themselves until we can no longer feel our tongues and our mouths are stinging badly from multiple micro cuts we didn’t know we had?

When the baby sleeps, go dream walking with a series of mysterious and fantastical creatures to discover the secrets of the universe. When the baby wakes, go to sleep for real.

Sometimes babies have to understand that you need time to pursue your hobbies and passions and time to properly rest.

Sprained your ankle? Get purposefully bitten by a poisonous spider so the sprain will hurt less in comparison.

Snakes and scorpions are also acceptable alternatives in a pinch.

If you are trying to meet a tight deadline and can’t find the motivation, close your laptop and walk into the woods, never to be heard from again.

Honestly, this is great advice.

If at first you don’t succeed, stubbornly refuse to do that thing ever again and avoid mention of said hobby until your brain literally wipes all memory of it ever existing.

It’ll be pretty awkward when you don’t know that baseball, swimming, or art exist, but that’s a price you have to be willing to pay.

Remember, when it comes to communication more is more. Relentlessly text each member of your family about anything and everything that pops in your head. The more mundane the better.

Every meal, every bowel movement, every moment of idle chatter. If five minutes have passed, it’s been too long.

If anyone asks how you’re doing, just scream wordlessly until you pass out.

Bonus points if you tell them you’re haunted and the ghost inside you hates feelings.

Now that I’ve purposefully tried to generate some bad advice, I think some of it might be good? Definitely the disappearing into the woods thing. You should definitely drop everything you’ve got and just go disappear into the woods. (Disclaimer: Don’t do this.)

I have amused myself. Now it’s your turn. Go on, hit me with your best bad advice!

November 3, 2021
Turns out that the Mission: Impossible franchise is a rich text
For a reason I can’t quite explain to myself, I recently watched all six Mission: Impossible movies.

The embodiment of a popcorn flick. I snacked so much while I watched these movies. (Photo by GR Stocks on Unsplash)

I don’t have a long and storied history with these movies. I hadn’t even seen them all before. I don’t have strong feelings about Tom Cruise. Action isn’t particularly my genre. It’s just that one night I watched Ghost Protocol (the fourth movie of the M:I oeuvre one for the uninitiated) because it was on Hulu. And when it was over I thought, What if I just watched all these movies?

So that’s what I did.

As it turns out, I am in extreme danger of becoming mildly obsessed with the Mission: Impossible franchise. Not because I thought the films themselves were so amazing but because…I don’t know. Because 2020 and 2021 were hard and my brain has permanently rewired itself in some really weird ways?

For anyone who finds these movies enjoyable, I actually would recommend watching them all right around the same time. My method was watching one a week (sometimes splitting one movie up over the course of two nights). So it took me about six weeks to finish them all. Really just about the perfect timeframe for digestion.

I think that this watching method made my experience with Fallout (the latest movie, released in 2018) more enjoyable because I was already on the lookout for all the tropes. When certain things happened, I laughed way more than I should have. Just because all the other movies came to mind so vividly.

Because this is a personal blog and I can do whatever the heck I want, I’m basically planning a series of content about Mission: Impossible (I told you, I might have a problem). It seemed a waste to dedicate 12+ hours of my life to watching these movies only to boil it down into a basic ranking, so I won’t be doing that. (Also, not convinced I have a favorite. They’re a team effort, really.)

Instead, I want to write an article about how each movie is kind of its own genre while still fitting within the same action scope. Each movie really does have its own personalized take on the same stuff, which I found progressively more fascinating at the franchise progressed. I want to cover some of the best and worst moments by thinking about best stunts, best heists, worst use of Ving Rhames, etc.

There definitely needs to be a discussion on how women are used in these movies for sure. (Spoiler alert: They are generally not used well.)

Will I own this DVD one day? No, seems unlikely. But in my heart? Yes. (Courtesy of Paramount Pictures.)

And then I’ll see what else shakes out in the process. Will I do a full six article series to coincide with each film? Not on purpose. Will I watch the new one when it’s released? Oh yes. Unfortunately, I think I’m now a Mission: Impossible person. (The only thing more confusing than that is why the abbreviation for the second movie is M:i-2. Why the lowercase “i”? Why mix your punctuation in such a way? Who approved this!?)

For anyone unfamiliar with the movies or anyone who is only familiar with some of the more famous moments (okay, the famous moment where Tom Cruise* is hanging from a string in a white room), I thought I’d start with a little primer. Some common Mission: Impossible tropes. If you find these things vaguely charming and you like action movies, you might want to try them! On the flip side, if you find these things obnoxious, it’s best to steer clear.

List o’ tropes:
- Masters of disguise – These movies are full of disguises. And masks! I love a mask scene every time in happens and am more delighted the more ridiculous the reveal is. Anyone could be anyone! Did you check to see if they’re wearing a mask?
- Tom Cruise running a lot – I think it’s fairly common knowledge at this point that Tom Cruise loves to do his own stunts. He also likes to run fast on camera, I guess. He does it in every movie. And he has a very specific gait. My husband and I laughed every time he did it.
- The big twist – These are big, dumb action movies, but they’re also spy thrillers. So there’s always a twist about the bad guy or what happened or who did what. By the end of the series I got really good at predicting these right before they happened.
- Random big name actors you want to be on screen more – Anthony Hopkins is in M:i-2. Huh? Laurence Fishburne is in M:i:3. Excuse me? Tom Wilkinson is uncredited in Ghost Protocol. Keri motherfrickin’ Russell is in Rogue Nation and Angela Bassett is in Fallout! Why does Angela Bassett have less screen time than Superman! It doesn’t make sense!
- Funny stunts – Some of the stunts in these movies are very cool. Some of them are eh. Some of them are really funny. Whether because they’re over the top or purposefully comedic. One of my favorites is Tom Cruise driving a car off a ledge in a parking garage to crash it like twenty feet below. Or getting sucked in a plane when the door opens. Or nearly getting a helicopter blade to the throat. Or being in a car that rolls like eight times. My God. These movies are funny.
- The impossible mission moment – There’s always the overarching “your mission, if you choose to accept it” for the movie. The impossible mission moment goes beyond that. There’s some kind of information the team needs and to get it they have to break into a facility with extremely advanced security measures. This ends with Tom Cruise dangling from a string in a white room or holding his breath underwater for three minutes or setting up a screen the projects the hallway behind him so the security guard doesn’t notice as he pushes it closer to the desk.
- Tom Cruise struggling to move after getting the absolute crap kicked out of him – There’s a moment in every movie where Tom Cruise has done something reckless and has been completely physically wrecked by it. And then he really painfully and agonizingly tries to move around afterward. It’s great.
- The theme song – Obviously. I’ve had it stuck in my head for weeks. Some of the movies in the franchise use it better than others (shoutout to M:i-2 for the worst but funniest version), but it’s always there. And you can never stop it.
There you go! Interested but don’t want to watch them all? I’ll put out a list at some point in the nearish future that breaks down the general overall feel of each movie so you can pick your poison. Cerebral spy thriller, stupid early 2000s action nonsense, gritty reboot, light spy romp, the brooding one? Don’t worry, there’s a flavor that’s right for you.

Check back in for non Mission: Impossible related content at some point in the future. I’ll get there.

*I should mention that the character’s name is Ethan Hunt and everyone else in the movies will remind you of this by saying his name approximately 10,000 times each movie. But one of the aspects of the movies that’s so fun is they’re also about Tom Cruise playing spy. So we’re sticking with the name of the real guy.
October 14, 2021
What I should know better by now

Life is a nonstop self-improvement project.

Unless you are magically perfect and always do everything right. (Sad to say, but doubtful.) Or if you’ve decided you’ve done enough to get better and now you can stay the same as you are forever. (Don’t do that. It makes things awkward for the people who have to interact with you.)

I am, at many times, an anxious perfectionist who has to accomplish things or I feel like I haven’t done enough. I have grown more aware of my own foibles over the years and have even come to accept a few of my shortcomings (maybe, just barely). I am making definite strides in the right direction.

But there’s some shit that I’ll just never learn. I’m going to wake up thinking I’ll change it today, then I won’t change it, and then go to bed promising myself I’ll do better tomorrow.

Hilarious.

You’d think by now I would just accept that there is some stuff that’s just not going to happen. But I absolutely will not. My brain is convinced that future me will unlock the key to the secret that changes who I am. (Narrator: She will not.)

Here’s what I should know better but will never actually learn.

I’ll go to bed early tonight.

I absolutely will not do this. Instead I will look up from bottle washing or from dog walking or from folding laundry and sigh heavily.

Oh hey. It’s me, tomorrow morning. (Photo by Emma Simpson on Unsplash)

I’ll wake up early tomorrow.

When I am training for races, I manage to convince myself that I’ll wake up early and run. I don’t. I managed to do this successfully for a stretch of a few months when my first kid was a baby. I will never get that magic back. Instead I will do the four mile run after the kids go to bed. (But don’t worry. I’ll still get to bed early.)

I’ll have more time to read next week.

In addition to going to bed early, I will also read an actual print book in bed before I fall asleep before 10 p.m. Oh wait. No. I won’t do that.

I’ll start regularly cleaning parts of my house on a schedule instead of when it gets too disgusting to stand.

Anyone who has ever known me my entire life can attest that I have never, not once, ever done this. (I sometimes have flickers of understanding, but they never last.)

I’ll get that that show on my watch list.

No, I haven’t seen The Wire or Friday Night Lights or Call the Midwife or Chernobyl or Killing Eve or Homeland or This is Us! Saved on my lists across various apps though. Don’t worry, I’ll never get to them.

I will successfully cook a healthy meal every night, work full time, do all the laundry and the dishes, update my blog, go on a run every night, and still get to bed early every night.

Just a parody of myself at this point.

I’ll invent time travel, go back to the Regency era, and find Mr. Darcy.

Really, he’d just be a complete nightmare. Get it together, me.

I will successfully convince people online that they should be more empathetic.

Never will anyone online be convinced of anything ever. It is why I type out impassioned defenses and then always hit the ol’ backspace before posting anything.

I will come to terms with the fact that I can’t do everything all the time and that’s okay.

Maybe this one’s not fair. I do come to terms with it sometimes and feel good about it on occasion. But it never lasts. Oh! There it is:

The self-improvement efforts I make will stick once I’ve made them and I won’t have to continually work on them like other humans do for reasons.

Turns out self-improvement doesn’t exist on autopilot.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to sign off so I can go to bed early, wake up at dawn to go on a four mile run so I can be ready for a full day of work, using my thirty minute lunch break to fold the laundry and prep dinner. That’ll give me enough time after dinner to read a few chapters and then hit the hay early.

August 5, 2021
Independence Day: 8 quotes to live by

I love Independence Day.

The movie, not the holiday. The holiday is fine, but fireworks freak out my dogs. The best part about July 4 is that it gives me an excuse to watch ID4 again.

One of the great parts about this movie? The special effects largely still hold up. (Twentieth Century Fox)

I’m not exactly sure where Independence Day falls in the cultural zeitgeist. It’s been my favorite movie since I was like nine (not counting the years where I pretended to be more sophisticated and like other movies better), but does anyone else really care?

All I really know for certain is that I love this dang movie and no matter how beloved it is by the world at large, I will persist in believing it is underrated. My husband also loves this movie and we quote it at each all the time for everyday situations. (Hot tip: Volunteering to drive? Say, “I can drive. I’m a pilot.” Whenever you get home from being out somewhere, say, “Hello boys, I’m baaaaack!”)

In honor of the recent holiday and the ridiculous status this movie has in my household, I’m serving up some fresh quotes that offer life lessons.

All you need is love. John Lennon. Smart man. Shot in the back. Very sad.

Julius Levinson, you wonderful weirdo.

Just to be clear, I’m not agreeing with the advice here. I don’t think all you need is love. There are very real obstacles that get in the way of love and those obstacles drive people apart and break up relationships all the time. David and Connie got divorced for a reason.

What I do support is spouting off quotes and aphorisms and then clarifying who said it and adding your own color commentary: “The early bird gets the worm. Ben Franklin. Invented bifocals. Had syphilis.”

Wouldn’t we all be better for this?

I’ve been sayin’ it. I’ve been sayin’ it for ten damn years! Ain’t I been sayin’ it, Miguel? I’ve been sayin’ it.

We use this one all the time in my house. Russell Casse has been telling everyone for ten (damn) years that he was abducted by aliens and he was a huge joke. Well, guess what? He was right!

The takeaway: Stick to your guns when you know you’re right. Even when people won’t listen. Maybe you can make some headway.

But if you’re driven to drink as a result, might I gently suggest therapy and other forms of help.

We got to work on our communication.

This is classic marriage advice. All married couples should have this embroidered on a pillow or tattooed on their persons or something. Work on your communication! All the time! And try not to withhold important information from your partner, like expecting the aliens to pull you in once you get close enough to the mother ship.

I could’ve been at a barbeque!

Have you been forced into some kind of obligation you would rather not do? (Like say, dragging an unconscious alien life form through the desert?) Unfair. Get mad about it if you want. You could have been doing something else! But now you have to be responsible.

This is why being an adult is not all it’s cracked up to be.

What is this? My God in heaven.

Really the follow up to this line, “So sue me, David!” cracks me up every time. Plus, David is delivering an important message about recycling. Let’s recycle, people.

You really think you can do all that bullshit you just said?

Great rejoinder. David asks Steve, “You really think you can fly that thing?” and then gets zinged back with the above. These characters are fully embodying “Fake it ’til you make it” here and I think that’s beautiful. Plus, both are able to pull off what they claim!

The lesson: Shed your imposter syndrome and embrace the uncomfortable. Make some bold claims and then try to fulfill them!

Well he just, um, did.

Another one said in my house constantly. This is after President Whitmore fires the Secretary of Defense who whines, “He can’t do that.” Well, bro, says Connie, he just did, so get over it.

People are gonna do stuff they aren’t supposed to do all the time. Sometimes it’s shocking and good. Sometimes it’s not as good. But what can you do but adapt?

He wants to impress me, he should get a job. Stop slobberin’ all over my shoes.

Boomer. You good boy. Your job is being a friendly, lovable doggo.

But Steve isn’t wrong. Dogs should get jobs. Freeloaders.

In conclusion

There are many many other quotes I could drop here, but writing this has made me want to go watch the movie again. So I’m afraid I’ll have to cut this short. Let me know if you learned any important life lessons from this classic summer blockbuster.

Nothin’ but love for ya.

PEACE.

July 9, 2021
Forget hot girl summer. It’s time for hot cicada summer.

I don’t know anyone who is feeling refreshed and excited and ready to rejoin the world right now. Pretty sure almost everyone is some kind of burnt out mess. Vaccinations helps, but have not provided the cure to our collective anxiety. Some people are planning to have a good time this summer, but I’ve also seen a lot of people posting about how they’re going to join the cicadas: go outside, plant themselves in a tree, and scream.

I’ve been telling my friends I’m a step beyond that. I’m the brittle little shells the cicadas leave behind. A pure human embodiment of insect remains.

And you know what? I’m okay with that.

It me. (Photo by Ian Hutchinson on Unsplash)

I have spent a lot of this year screaming and crying and worrying myself into an anxiety spiral. I don’t think that makes me unique.

A pandemic happened (and is still happening! IT IS STILL HAPPENING). A whole bunch of political stuff hit the fan. We’re reckoning on the realities of systemic racism on a national level. There is an underlying layer of trauma in all our interactions.

Everyone is realizing that the way things used to be kind of…sucked? Maybe they shouldn’t be that way anymore.

So let’s not be that way anymore.

Traditionally, I am the kind of person who runs myself into the ground. I say yes and yes and yes and take it all on until I can’t remember the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass (shoutout to my man Frodo who knows what’s up).

In the past, my mom would give me stern talks about how I needed to tell people no. That it was okay to focus on my own stuff and not everyone else’s. These days, my husband is the primary “focus on yourself” pep talker.

And have I ever been in need of one of those talks. It’s nice to think that the end of 2020 brought about the end of all the stress. But it didn’t (spoiler alert).

Finally, I realized that making jokes about being a cicada husk wasn’t cutting it. I had reached peak burnout and needed to make a change.

So I did. I decided to leave my work situation and try something different. Forge a new path. Maybe, find a new job, embrace unemployment, watch the kids during the day, pursue freelance work, the possibilities are vast! If nothing else, taking a few weeks to find new work means more continuous time off than I’ve had in years.

I realize that not everyone is privileged enough to do this and that leaving your job without a backup plan is fully impossible for many folks.

But what if we all looked at ourselves, our little screaming inner selves and embraced the burnout? Can you just stop a thing (even a very small one)? What can you do for you?

A lot of people are doing it. Changing careers, looking for meaningful work, refusing to go back into the office. We should all do this! Embrace your burnout. Make a change. Be free! Even if that means a baby step, one dropped responsibility, a plan to start something that will lead to change. Fight exploitation and injustice on a tiny micro scale or a great big macro one.

We should all spend the summer as cicadas screaming in a tree. Because screaming is cathartic and wonderful.

Our massive cicada family can rise up and scream in unison. Let’s do something else. Going back to normal is not the answer. Let’s not do normal. Let’s do something different. It’ll be hard and weird and we’ll find ourselves burnt out again at some point or come to the conclusion we never really conquered it, we just harnessed it in a different way.

Give your burnt out self or friend or spouse a big old hug.

And then…I don’t know.

Anything can happen after that dried out husk blows away.

June 25, 2021
My favorite Shakespearean couples
I don’t know why tuba playing and this Shakespeare mural go so well together, but it’s a great match. (Photo by Jessica Pamp on Unsplash)

I have been a Shakespeare nerd for many years. Ever since middle school, in fact, when I decided one day for basically no reason that I was about the Bard. I toted around an edition of the complete works my dad had used in college and thought it made me deep or something. But then we went to see A Midsummer Night’s Dream on a field trip and my Shakespeare appreciation got much less theoretical. I realized that the plays were actually good and not just something to pretend to be an intellectual about.

My exploration of my favorite Shakespearean couples is an exercise in dedicated intellectual rigor. (Much like my list of which Jane Austen heroes I would date.) Please know I take this very seriously.

Beatrice and Benedick

The Play: Much Ado About Nothing

I mean, how can you not love Beatrice and Benedick? There is so much to love! Here, I have bullets:
- They are the best part of this play
- Their repartee is genuinely hilarious
- They would actually make a decent couple in real life
- Hostilities turned to love is a great trope
Highly recommend you watch the movie version of this starring Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson. It is so delightful.

Antony and Cleopatra

The Play: Antony and Cleopatra

Can the Romans handle the drama of one of their own being in a relationship with an Egyptian? (Spoiler alert: No, they cannot.)

I like Antony and Cleopatra because they are a little older, have been together for awhile, and then decide to partially conquer the world together. Couple goals, honestly. Also, there’s a little tidbit in this play I have always loved about Antony dressing up in some of Cleopatra’s clothes. Like a fun, sexy couple’s game. The uptight Romans are horrified by this. They are fools. This is a great detail!

Antony sucks to his wife and the fact that she agrees to raise the children he had with his mistress makes Octavia a true queen.

Mercutio and Benvolio

The Play: Romeo and Juliet

Forget Romeo and Juliet. I have eyes only for Mercutio and Benvolio. This is not a relationship that is explicitly written into the play, although when viewed from a certain angle, I think it’s implied. Mercutio and Benvolio seem to end up on stage just the two of them talking quite a lot. Benvolio drags Mercutio offstage for his death scene (a tearful goodbye between lovers???) and after he announces Mercutio’s death, Benvolio disappears. I personally think Benvolio goes into hiding somewhere and writes lots of sad poetry.

I am telling you, there’s a great love story in Romeo and Juliet and it has nothing to do with the title characters.

Plus, Mercutio is funny and Romeo is boring. Case closed.

Sebastian and Antonio and Olivia (and Viola and Orsino)

The Play: Twelfth Night

A girl twin and a boy twin are separated. The girl twin cross dresses and gets mistaken for a boy! Everyone is falling in love with everyone else. It’s so confusing and fun!

Antonio is definitely in love with Sebastian. Viola is in love with Orsino and he seems to be digging her but thinks she’s a boy and so can’t admit he likes her until he finds out that she’s a she. Olivia falls in love with the boy version of Viola, but then marries Sebastian thinking he’s his sister. (Confused yet?)

Personally, I think the best case scenario for this whole thing is for all five of these characters to be in love with each other. Except for the twins. They should not be in love with each other. That would be weird.

Nick Bottom and Himself

The Play: A Midsummer Night’s Dream

This dude is obsessed with himself to the point where the fairies give him a donkey head because he is such an ass (get it????). These shenanigans are hilarious and Bottom and the players are hands down the funniest part of this play.

There are so many couples in this play but the only guaranteed to make it is Bottom’s sweet sweet infatuation with himself.

Iago and Villainy

The Play: Othello

Iago is a top tier villain because he is so fun and everyone in this play is so easy to trick. Like, he gives a dude a handkerchief and Othello has a full on meltdown. And Iago just spends the whole play turning to the audience and being like, “I’m gonna go try to screw up this guy’s life now.”

Chef’s kiss, Iago. Please continue your nefarious ways.

Leontes and My Fist

The Play: A Winter’s Tale

Hoo boy, does Leontes suck. This man causes a lot of death and horror all because he randomly gets jealous of his wife talking to his friend? What is your deal, Leontes?

If I could punch him in the face, just once, I believe it would be destiny. True love.
June 9, 2021
Space is super terrifying…and maybe a little sad?
In the past year, I’ve watched two space movies that showed up on Netflix–The Midnight Sky and Stowaway. At the end of Stowaway I noted that both movies are pretty quiet pensive little movies that leave you on a note of hope but also seem to be permeated with melancholy throughout.

Is that a common feature of space movies, I wondered, or do these two in particular seem to speak to living through a pandemic? Both were written and filmed before the pandemic hit, so they’re not a commentary on the way things have been for the last year. Then, I thought, maybe space movies always have been a reflection of the pandemic and we just never realized it.

People trapped in a small space, trying to get along because they have no other options. Being forced to reckon with how deadly to go outside.

It looks innocent now, but it will try to kill you.

Because the last year has been frustrating and claustrophobic and terrifying and also really sad, I thought it was fitting to pick some space movies I’ve watched recently and rank them. First, in order of how terrifying space is and then in order of how sad it makes you feel. Just like 2020.

This fits. There’s something here.

There are so many movies I could have included but didn’t, so if you think a movie needs to be on this list, let me know! I won’t add it, but I’ll let you know how terrifying or sad I think it is.

In space, no one can hear you scream

These movies have been scientifically ranked from least scary to most scary. Don’t argue with the formula.
- The Midnight Sky
  - Something has happened to earth and it’s basically going to implode and kill everyone. That’s messed up, but it makes the earth scary, not space. There is a scene with the astronauts that proves space is deadly, but honestly, I mostly left this movie feeling like that space station was pretty cozy.
- The Martian
  - This movie is one big fight to keep a guy alive when Mars and space keep trying to kill him. But there are lots of jokes. The scariest part is probably Matt Damon near the end and how bad he must smell.
- Apollo 13
  - The whole movie centers around trying to get astronauts home and it’s suspenseful because space will definitely kill you! But it’s also a wholesome film about people doing a lot of creative problem solving. So it’s tense, the threat is there, but ultimately you get wrapped in a warm emotional blanket.
- Interstellar
  - This is another movie where earth is really scarier than space because it’s so messed up. However, Interstellar gets bumped up the list because space can also turn thirty minutes for you into like three decades on earth and then you miss out on everything like your kids growing up. That’s scary.
- Deep Impact
  - A giant asteroid could come wipe out the planet and there’s very little we could do to stop it. Even with an intrepid crew of brave astronauts. This move is pretty goofy and often corny, but it’s not that unrealistic. We know that earth has been visited by mass extinction events from space in the past.
- Stowaway
  - The whole premise of this movie centers around space being hostile. Your equipment breaks, your plants die, all of you are going down. Also, the spacewalk in this movie literally made me so sick to my stomach, I had to look away from the television until my husband told me it was safe again.
- Gravity
  - Space is so scary in this movie, it starts to verge on comic by the end. But literally everything that can go wrong will go wrong and it will remind you why space is a terrible idea! Don’t go to space! Just don’t do it!
- Event Horizon
  - I don’t remember this movie very well, but it has eternally scarred my psyche.
Ugly crying brought to you by the stars

Now we take the same group and rank them from least sad to most sad.
- Event Horizon
  - I don’t know we can even count this one. It will haunt your dreams but it exists somewhere outside of the sadness scale.
- The Martian
  - Too many jokes! I am not sad. I am delighted.
- Apollo 13
  - There is a strain of sadness in this movie (I’m bummed they didn’t get to land on the moon). But ultimately everything ends up okay. People figure it out! There is hope for us yet.
- Interstellar
  - Everyone cries in this movie. Matthew McConaughey misses his children growing up. Anne Hathaway lost her boyfriend. Matt Damon was trapped on an inhospitable planet alone and sobs when he sees another person again. (Honestly, relatable content.) Even the ending is pretty bittersweet. But then all the weird stuff in the third act distracts from the sadness enough to kick it down the list.
- Gravity
  - Is there a rule that astronauts have to have tragic backstories? Why must Sandra Bullock’s child be dead in this film? George Clooney floats away into nothingness to save her. Sad people trying to cope in traumatic situations is a whole genre and this one slides right in.
- Stowaway
  - These scientists were going to get to figure out some cool stuff. Instead all of their experiments were ruined. And this guy who didn’t want to be on the ship might never see his little sister again. And he and his sister are orphans after an apartment fire from when they were kids. Plus the characters have to wrestle with a deep ethical question. As a final piece of sadness, Toni Collette is good in this movie and I wish she got to do more.
- Deep Impact
  - Hear me out. This movie is mostly goofy and I don’t think it’s probably that good, but when the astronauts are saying good-bye to their families at the end and then the teenage girl gets her baby brother shoved in her arms by her mom? I was bawling real tears, my friends.
- The Midnight Sky
  - This movie radiates melancholy. My goodness. Earth is not in a good place, George Clooney has a tragic past/present, and while he accomplishes his goal of preventing the astronauts from returning to earth, it’s not like all the people left on earth are going to end up that great. If you think about the implications of this movie for too long, you will get real sad.
There it is. The official rankings. I’d say that I don’t make the rules, but I totally made the rules here. Pick something to make your evening scarier or sadder. And if you’re watching Stowaway, consider having a barf bag on hand.
June 2, 2021
Would I date Mr. Darcy?
I can only ever hope to look this cute and playful while reading Jane Austen. (Photo by Dexter Fernandes on Unsplash)

He’s tolerable, I suppose, but not handsome enough to tempt me.

But to be fair to Mr. Darcy, is it really worth it to try to date any of the men in Jane Austen novels? The books are a delight, and I find some of the relationships to be wonderful. But Mr. Darcy as relationship material? I’m not so sure.

Here’s a brief look at how Jane Austen heroes stack up in my mind and whether they’re worth dating. (Note: This list is not complete. I haven’t read all Austen’s work, so I can’t comment on whoever from Mansfield Park. Sorry?)

Fitzwilliam Darcy

Perks:
- He has a lot of money.
- He is nice to his sister.
- He’s a dick, but he’s honest about his dickishness.
- He has lovely curly brown hair (probably just thinking about Colin Firth now).
I know, I know. The whole thing about Darcy is that he seems to be an unbearable prick but is actually a decent dude. But he seems like a lot of work. You’d have to really drag his feelings out of him and that seems exhausting. Also, he’s prone to making snide remarks, and so am I. Most of our relationship would probably just be saying really rude things to each other.

If I were to choose a man from Pride and Prejudice to date, I think I’d lean Mr. Bingley. Super earnest, nice, willing to show affection toward women. Plus, I love it when he tells Darcy “I hate to see you standing about in this stupid manner” and “I wouldn’t be as fastidious as you are for a kingdom.” Yes, Bingley. Give him what for. Downside? The Bingley sisters are unbearable. So maybe not.

Captain Frederick Wentworth

Perks:
- He’s a captain, I guess?
- Doesn’t hold much of a grudge.
- Willing to be friendly with you even if there’s an awkward break up.
There’s a lot to like about Persuasion. It’s a weird little book that grows on me the more I think about it. I like that there’s a heroine a little more advanced in age and so more in line with modern sensibilities. I also like that Anne made a pretty huge error that she regrets. There’s something to be said about second chances and the quiet pensive feel of this novel.

So what is a Went really worth? More than any of the other jackasses in this book. Yeah, I’d probably date him. Even if his life, his love, and his lady are the sea.

Henry Tilney

Perks:
- His family has a super weird creepy house.
- He actually reads and will talk books with you.
- Will back your play and stand up to his dick dad.
Who has even read Northanger Abbey, seriously. I mean, I’ve read it twice and at the same time, somehow, have never read it. Let’s just agree we have another book full of assholes and at least Henry can be, like, a nice dude. I’d probably date him just so I could try to see a ghost in the family manor, honestly.

Edward Ferrars

Perks:
- Uh.
- Hmmm.
I just love Emma Thompson, okay. Don’t think I’d date Ferrars.

George Knightley

Perks:
- He sees the value in being kind to people.
- He’s willing to humor your weird relatives.
- He goes on lots of walks.
- He will, in fact, call you on your bullshit.
I don’t hate Knightley, but ultimately, I don’t think he’s my jam. All the characters with money in Emma are a little much for my tastes. Also, he’s like 20 years older than Emma or something and I know it was the times or whatever, but comes off a little weird for my tastes. Rein it in, Knightley.

Emma is a book rife with terrible men for dating. Mr. Elton and Frank Churchill being prime examples of suck. If you gotta go for a guy in this outing, it is definitely Robert Martin. I would 100% date and marry Robert Martin. He is the most dateable man on this list. A hill I will happily die on.

In Conclusion

Jane Austen writes a good book. Her characters are sharp and because she keeps an eye toward social commentary, many of them are entertaining but also huge jerks. The leading men in these books can be charming at times and impossible at others. But in the end, you probably wouldn’t want to date a guy who was raised in the 1800s. He’d probably have appalling opinions.

Except Robert Martin, of course.
May 7, 2021