Category: Movies and TV

Fictional relationships that have turned me to goo

You know how sometimes you become too invested in a fictional couple? That’s me, currently. And while I have wild ambitions to fill this blog with smart posts that closely analyze media and show that I am capable of deep and nuanced thinking…uh, instead here’s a list of some of my favorite fictional couples!

In case you were wondering, the cause of my current case of distraction is Our Flag Means Death on HBOMax. It’s a ten episode season of half hour episodes and is a goofy, funny little pirate show that somehow makes you really sad at the end? Give it a try and then harass HBO to renew it for a second season.

The ships are comin’ in, captain! The relationships, that is. (Photo by Raimond Klavins on Unsplash)

Or check out this very non-comprehensive list of some of my favorite fictional couples.

A quick aside: This list was mostly for what was top of mind, but I did decide to do a quick Google search for some all-time great couples just to see if I was forgetting anything glaring, and some of the results were wild. And proof that not enough people have actually read classic novels. (Listen, Scarlett and Rhett are a very interesting couple but they are not goals! Cathy and Heathcliffe is the weirdest relationship goal you could ever have, please don’t! Who included Pip and Estella from Great Expectations? That’s obscure and also wrong! Also, the correct ship from that book is clearly Miss Havisham and her old wedding dress. If you would like more classic novel relationship hot takes, let me know and I will provide.)

All right, with that out of the way, here is the list in question:

Television

David and Patrick – Schitt’s Creek

Have I had out of body experiences because this particular relationship on this particular show makes me so damn happy? I’m pretty sure I have.

In general, Schitt’s Creek is a show absolutely worth watching and anyone who has spent five seconds on the internet and been inundated with nonstop memes knows this already or is too annoyed to give the show a chance.

Almost every last character on this show is an absolute delight. But David might be my favorite? And his relationship with Patrick is one of my favorite things in the history of scripted television and on my initial watch definitely made me cry at least thrice.

Josh and Donna – The West Wing

Okay. I know this is kind of problematic. Josh is ~~sort of~~ a huge asshole and flirting with the person who works for you is complicated on a whole number of levels. BUT Bradley Whitford and Janel Moloney have a lot of chemistry and I was still happy they ended up together.

This is one of my early ships from middle school or something so my feelings about the The West Wing are considerably more complicated these days. Still! They are a formative fictional couple for me. I enjoy watching this emotionally constipated man realize he’s been in love with someone for like five years.

Leslie and Ben – Parks and Rec

Another workplace relationship but this one I still fully endorse. Leslie Knope is one of my favorite characters on television in general and Adam Scott is incredible? (If you haven’t seen Severance, you should. He is startlingly good in it.) I picked up this show when it was around season four, and I remember absolutely tearing through it at every free possible moment not just because it’s very good but also because I was dying to see the Leslie and Ben thing play out.

Impossible not to love a “they have so much chemistry and really want to get together but are trying not to because of other reasons but can’t stay apart” relationship. Inject it into my veins.

Books

Darcy and Elizabeth – Pride and Prejudice

This is my most basic opinion, but it’s not wrong. Also, all the classic literature lists that included Heathcliffe and Cathy as an iconic relationship but not Darcy and Elizabeth…huh?

I personally like Jane Austen (very brave, I know). Her sense of humor strikes me just right and her characters are so fun to watch bounce off each other. And that includes the main couple in this book. Darcy’s first proposal and Elizabeth’s subsequent rejection of him his an incredible scene that should be put in a museum. The scene at the end when Elizabeth tells Darcy’s aunt that she and Darcy are definitely NOT engaged but she will also not agree to never become engaged to him just because she’s pissed off? Chef’s kiss! I love a man who comes back to propose because he heard you told off his mean, rich aunt.

Also, yes, Colin Firth is the best Mr. Darcy and his smolder is very real.

Remus Lupin and Sirius Black – Harry Potter

My feelings toward this series have become pretty complicated in the past few years largely due to the author of said series being a mean person. In order to include the series, I felt it only fitting to push my favorite relationship of the series even though it has been explicitly rejected by the author. I don’t care. She can shut up because she is wrong.

Lupin and Sirius 4ever.

Yes, this still holds true if you are a Lupin and Tonks fan. People can be bisexual!

Just, come on, the friendship, the hiding, the betrayal, the reunion, the cohabitating, the joint Christmas present? I wrote a lot of fanfiction back in the day. Don’t fight me on this.

Achilles and Patroclus

I guess Achilles and Patroclus are technically a fandom ship because The Iliad never outright said they were a couple but um…I consider them canon. (And when it comes to Greek mythology, what really is canon, anyway? The Iliad is basically fanfiction.)

Because I am a History Nerd^TM and a School Nerd^TM, my support for these two as a couple started in high school when I read The Iliad for the first time in Latin class. (In case you were curious, the previous sentence is a good encapsulation of who I am as a person.) And I have been shipping them ever since.

Saying this makes me a bit of an Achilles/Patroclus hipster, since I was about them many years before Madeline Miller wrote The Song of Achilles, but I don’t judge. Also, The Song of Achilles? Good book.

I don’t really recommend reading The Iliad unless you want to read a lot of gruesome battle descriptions and lists of how people are related to each other. But I do recommend you consider that after Patroclus was killed by Hector, Achilles had an all out grief fest, hosted funeral games, killed like half the Greek army, and then murdered Hector and defiled his body because of how upset he was. Just consider it.

Also this:

A black cloud of grief came shrouding over Achilles.
Both hands clawing the ground for soot and filth,
he poured it over his head, fouled his handsome face
and black ashes settled onto his fresh clean war-shirt.
Overpowered in all his power, sprawled in the dust,
Achilles lay there, fallen . . .
tearing his hair, defiling it with his own hands.
Book 18 of The Iliad

It is worth mentioning Achilles and Patroclus both brutally murder their fair share of people on the field of battle. So, like, iconic couple, but also…it’s complicated.

Red and Blue – This is How You Lose the Time War

This book is extremely good. I listened to the audiobook and the narration was also extremely good. And it’s short! Now I love a long book, but a novella composed of love letters opponents write each other during an intergalatic war that involves time travel is one of the best ideas anyone has ever had.

There was a time when this book was getting recommended a lot and some people thought it was overhyped. But those people are wrong. I just love all the ways these characters find and consume letters to each other (sometimes literally consuming the letters in the process). It is somehow sweeping and epic and also deeply personal and just really lovely all around.

Movies

Danielle and Henry – Ever After

This movie has been a favorite of mine since I first saw it in theaters when I was in the third or fourth grade. And I have watched it so many times since that I basically have the entire thing memorized. And it is still so good! And so quotable.

Danielle and Henry first meet when she throws an apple at his head to stop him from stealing her father’s horse. Then, during their second meeting, she tells him off for being a rich boor. And he is about it. I love how this relationship centers around Danielle unabashedly speaking her mind, even when that involves insulting Henry, and he cannot get enough of it. I also like that he’s a rich brat and Danielle helps expand his worldview.

The actors have really good chemistry and the relationship is believable. And all the side characters are so fun! The entire move is gold.

Dido Belle and John Davinier – Belle (2013)

Anyone else other than me remember this movie? I own it on DVD and watch it at least once a year and I love it a lot. In fact, despite being an aforementioned History Nerd^TM, I refuse to read about the real history of Dido Belle because I like the movie world and I suspect history is not as good. (Sorry, history, you’re a real one.)

John Davinier is one of the most earnest men written into existence, and this movie is what helped me recognize that I am super into earnest men as characters and love interests. There’s a scene where he yells at Belle’s uncle in a carriage about how sincerely he loves her and every time my entire body threatens to explode with feeling.

Don’t know what this says about me, but I recommend checking it out.

Evie and Rick – The Mummy (and The Mummy Returns)

These movies are good. There I said it. And Evie and Rick are a perfect power couple. The squabbling and coming together in the first movie is good and then the married couple wild for each other in the second movie is great! I love to see happily married couples on the screen (side shoutout to Thin Man movies for this by the way), even if they are chaotic and horny in weird situations.

As a history nerd librarian, Evie is basically life goals and Rick is a perfect himbo. How can you not support the two of them?

It also does the fun one-two punch that the Alien movies do, where the first movie is a sort of horror (liberally sprinkled with clips) and the second is mostly just action adventure (also with many quips). On a related note, I refuse to acknowledge that the third movie exists.

Give me your opinions on these couples or share your own faves. Let me know if you would like some hot takes on classical literature. Let’s pretend the world is not terrifying and is instead gentle and comforting for a moment.

June 1, 2022
Don’t Look Up: Flawed, entertaining, too long

Kind of like The Power of the Dog was my third experience with Jane Campion, Don’t Look Up was my third foray into Adam McKay.

Or, rather, my third foray into Oscar-nominated Adam McKay films. I’ve also seen some of his work from before he was critically acclaimed including both Anchorman and Stepbrothers. (In a nutshell: Not a fan of the former but though the latter was pretty funny.)

When stacking the three Oscar nominated movies against each other, I thought Don’t Look Up was better than Vice but didn’t live up to the standard set by The Big Short. I learned recently that The Big Short is based on a book by Michael Lewis, and I think having some source material to rein him in probably did McKay some favors. Because his follow-ups to that first nominated movie have been…kind of annoying?

There are parts of Don’t Look Up I really enjoyed. There are parts that even made me laugh out loud. But this move is two and a half hours long and that is at least an hour too long. In general, I think satire is hard to maintain for a long story because it can get old fast. And if you’re doing really nice pointed commentary, you probably don’t need two and a half hours to do it. (Prove me wrong if you have a good counter example!)

This particular movie does not need to be two and a half hours long.

My spouse and I sat down to watch this and initially we had a pretty enjoyable time. The beginning is kind of a romp. There are some good jokes. Then, the story hit a point where we thought it was probably about over. I checked my phone to make sure.

I, for one, welcome our new overlord, the planet destroyer.

There was over an hour left in the movie.

We promptly turned the TV off and went to bed.

When we finished the movie the next night, my main complaint was that it was too long. Most of my favorite bits making digs were taking aim capitalism. I completely believe that if a planet destroying comet were streaking toward earth, some tech company would claim they could get minerals off it that would make people a lot of money. That completely tracked.

Afterward, I did some light reading on the movie and learned that the comet is a metaphor for climate change. I couldn’t tell if the fact that I hadn’t realized that made me dumb. Maybe. But one of the critics I listened to made me feel a little better on this front when he argued that the metaphor isn’t a particularly good one.

A comet hurtling toward the earth that will hit in six months and kill us all is a different kind of threat than slight changes in global temperature that are happening on a much longer timeframe. Plus the effects of climate change are much messier and more opaque. We’re seeing those effects now, but they’ve been happening for years and a lot of us are just starting to connect the dots. Plus, for a long time, people didn’t think they were going to have to deal with the fallout on climate change so there seemed to be no immediate incentive to prevent it. (Joke’s on us there.)

I think if I had known the intent was to comment on climate change going in, I might have had different opinions watching the movie. And, honestly, I think they would have initially been more critical.

After sitting with it for awhile, my opinions are not super favorable. Not because I actively dislike the movie but because I saw it a couple months ago and haven’t really thought about it since. (This is partially because some of the other nominees for Best Picture have taken up much more of my brain space.)

But I will give the movie credit for writing an original story and trying to say something. I do love it when original screenplays get made into films. (Exhibit A in this case being Knives Out.)

It’s just that maybe this one shouldn’t have been nominated for an Oscar.

April 12, 2022
Finding some value in the Academy Awards

It’s not really news that the Oscars are a hot mess this year. They’ve been a hot mess since, well, forever, as far as I can tell. There’s simply a baseline of pure nonsense associated with Hollywood’s most prestigious awards ceremony. Even now, when things are changing due to all the extremely valid criticism of the ceremony and the nominations process, things still tend to go sideways in unexpected ways.

This year there are some changes that I think are for the better. The pool of voters has expanded as has the number of Best Picture nominees. I liked when the change happened that allowed the Best Picture nominees to go up to ten. But in order to hit certain thresholds, it seemed like a lot of years it was more like seven or eight nominees. That while the expanded pool is supposed to help more unusual movies get nominated, that wasn’t always happening either. (Listen, will I be bitter about having to watch War Horse for the rest of my life? Yes.)

Why does this picture show up when I search for Academy Awards? I don’t know, but it’s neat, so I’m sharing. (Photo by Georg Eiermann on Unsplash)

I think it’s good to make it mandated that ten movies get the Best Picture nominee. While that does mean you probably have a weird or unworthy option creep in, it also allows for the less traditional choices. Would Drive My Car have been nominated without this rule change? I think it probably wouldn’t.

Of course, the system isn’t perfect. We had the perfection of Moonlight winning Best Picture, but you know, Green Book, also happened.

Awards shows in general seem to be in a state of peril. Ratings are falling. They all seem to be struggling to stay relevant. People are suggesting that they might not even exist in ten years. And if that happens, does it matter? Does a lack of Oscars in the world really cause some kind of void in the world?

Ultimately, probably not really. (Especially because films will still win awards even if the actual ceremonies stop happening.) But there is something that I still sort of love about the Oscars. And I think it stems from mostly this: It helps me get a good general big picture of what’s going on in the industry and it allows me to see some pretty interesting and culturally relevant movies.

Nobody is arguing that the Best Picture nominations are literally the best movies made in that year. Especially given that a certain brand of movie has a habit of getting nominated all the time and it’s extremely frustrating. But especially since the expansion of how many movies can get nominated for Best Picture, I’ve started seeing some really cool stuff.

I’m not a super involved moviegoer. Before the pandemic, I’d hit up the theater a couple times a year for a movie I was really interested in seeing, like Knives Out but I don’t really go to the movies just because. This means, starting in 2011, when I started attending the Best Picture showcase, I was basically seeing a whole bunch of brand new to me movies all in a row.

Imagine this for 24 hours. Except it smells funky and everyone is wrapped in a blanket and hopped up on 5 Hour Energy.

For the uninitiated, the Best Picture Showcase is put on by AMC Theaters and is an event where typically you watch all Best Picture nominees either in the course of two weekends or over the course of a very long day. (This has changed a little due to the pandemic, but it might come back!) Because I’m a bit of a glutton for punishment and love an endurance challenge, I would go to the one-day event. This meant showing up at the theater at around 9 in the morning and then stumbling out around 7 the next morning.

Some years the batch of movies is better than others but I always walked away from that event having seen at least one gem. Usually, as awards season rolls through, I have the best intentions of watching a lot of acclaimed movies, but I never quite get there. It’s hard to find the time and there’s so much to sort through. I’ve seen multiple rave reviews of Drive My Car, for example. Does this mean I’m guaranteed to watch it? No. Even if my favorite movie channel on YouTube names it their favorite film of the year, I’m still dumb enough to go watch Interview with the Vampire instead. (Which I don’t regret. It ruled.)

But the Best Picture nominees offers me a finite list and the Best Picture Showcase offers me a concrete way to go watch some of those movies catching buzz.

Over the years, this method has introduced me to movies like The Kids are All Right, Winter’s Bone, The Tree of Life, Amour, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Philomena, Brooklyn, Room, Hell or High Water, Moonlight, Parasite. Would I have seen some of these movies regardless of whether they were nominated for Best Picture? Maybe! But that’s honestly a big maybe.

Yes, I had to see War Horse and I reluctantly sat through The Wolf of Wall Street (no shade to anyone who likes that film, but really one of my most hated watches ever). But I really have seen some pretty gorgeous, funny, moving films I never would have otherwise. And I’m grateful for that.

Without the Best Picture Showcase in 2021 and being absolutely burnt out due to, you know, everything, I’m trying to recapture a little of that Oscars joy. I’m aiming for the modest goal of watching all 10 nominees before the ceremony happens at the end of March. I’m also hoping to do little write ups about those movies. I will let wiser people than me continue to call the Academy out for all their bad choices.

Meanwhile? I’m going to drum up some opinions about Don’t Look Up (too long) and The Power of the Dog (classic Campion weirdness).

Share your Oscars opinions, if you have ’em!

March 2, 2022
Pick the Mission: Impossible that fits your mood

As I mentioned in a previous post, I’m kind of on a Mission: Impossible kick. (If you want to read about that journey and determine whether you should get into this franchise, read about some of the best M:I tropes.)

I think I’m personally the egg on the first row, right-most spot. (Photo by Jeff Tumale on Unsplash)

One of the things that I like about this movies, besides it being really fun to watch Tom Cruise run around various cities as fast as he can, is that they’re all kind of different. There’s a lot that connects them as a cohesive group, but I also think each movie puts its own unique spin on the mission at hand. For this reason, despite the fact that they are all definitely action movies, each entry in the franchise gives you a little something different.

If, for some reason, you don’t want to spend your one precious life watching six very silly action movies, I’ll give you a guide. This way, you can decide on the movie that best fits your tastes and your mood. Much like Thomas More, there is a M:I for every season. (I think that joke is a bit of a stretch, but I’m leaving it in.)

The Original Mission: Impossible

Choose this one if: You like action movies that make you think, clever(ish) spy games, a mystery, lower stakes that still feel significant, you want fewer explosions, Tom Cruise looking like a young baby

The first entry into the franchise might be the most distinct. While it certainly still has goofy moments, some ridiculous set pieces, and an absolutely absurd action scene at the end, the original Mission: Impossible is the quietest and slowest moving of all six movies. I was surprised to discover that overall its more of a spy thriller and mystery and less of a big action piece.

If all you remember from this movie is Tom Cruise dangling in a white room, then you might be surprised by the rest of it too.

It’s definitely not a huge think piece. The scene where Ethan Hunt tries to use a 90s search engine to figure out what Job 314 stands for is, frankly, hilarious by modern standards. (The email addresses he concocts and the messages he writes are equally hilarious.) And near the end, I commented aloud that I was surprised by the lack of unrealistic action right before some absolutely absurd shenanigans.

But overall, it’s a pretty good little thriller. In scenes where Ethan Hunt confronts another IMF agent, the camera does these wacky angles to make the conversations more tense and I actually really enjoyed that it tried to put its own visual footprint on things. You know, before Ethan blows up a restaurant with a stick of gum or whatever.

(Oh, also, quick warning that this movie has one of the ickiest lines about women in the entire franchise. More on that in another post.)

Mission: Impossible 2

This picture works because the beginning of M:I:2 features silly rock climbing but also because you will mentally teeter precariously on the edge through the bolder “Huh?” moment of the movie (Photo by Hu Chen on Unsplash)

Choose this one if: You love the theatrical stylings of John Woo, you want to see Prince Henry from Ever After be a bad guy, early 2000s action movies are your thing, you like plots where the threat is a deadly pandemic, you want to turn off your brain completely

This Mission: Impossible is trying so hard to be cool. It’s like when you were a teenager and suddenly discovered what you needed to do and wear to be cool so you tried to do all those things but instead of being cool everyone could tell you were a major dork who was trying too hard.

Just me?

Anyway, this movie is very early 2000s action movie and because John Woo is always going to do his thing, it is also at times hilariously stylized and doves fly around for no reason.

The plot is sadly extremely relevant because the bad guy is trying to make money off a pandemic (he wants to start the pandemic and invests a bunch in the holdings of the pharmaceutical company that has the cure). I love a movie where the real villain is capitalism and greed! Also, Prince Henry from Ever After is cartoonishly villainous and it’s extremely over the top.

This movie also unfortunately invests very heavily in the “here’s a woman who is super awesome at her job but she’s going to become a love interest and do nothing interesting for the rest of the movie.”

I know all of the above makes this probably sound like a fun watch. It can be, but it’s also kind of painful at times and ultimately gets very boring, much like someone witnessing you trying to be cool when you were a teen.

But you do get the theme song exclusively played on an electric guitar, so there’s that.

Mission: Impossible 3

Choose this one if: You like a gritty reboot, you want to see JJ Abrams on full display, you revel in peak Philip Seymour Hoffman, you like someone trying to get out of the game but they keep getting pulled back in, the ultimate goal of the bad guy doesn’t matter to you, good mask shenanigans

I don’t know what it is, but when two sweaty, dirty characters end up in a dirty building and one of them is attempting to bring the other back to life through a form of CPR that is mostly just hitting the other person in the chest really hard, you know you’re watching a JJ Abrams joint.

It’s not that this movie has no jokes, but it definitely turns away from the stylized thriller and the campy action of the first two movies to present you with the real shit. Ethan Hunt only trains agents now, he’s out of the game. He’s in love for real. (Although the amount of time he spends lying to his fiancee in his movie, she should really leave him.)

This movie would benefit, I think, from leaning into its strongest asset: Philip Seymour Hoffman. He chews the scenery with relish and is overall incredible each second he’s on screen, which is not often enough! Also, spoiler alert: the late third act twist that the real villain of the movie is someone else is forgettable. Because who cares about that other guy.

While this movie features more than one woman, one of them dies for Tom Cruise’s character development, one of them is the one he must protect, and the third one can be a spy but only if she’s a sexy spy.

What does the bad guy in this movie ultimately want? I don’t know! It’s mostly just Tom Cruise and Philip Seymour Hoffman being mad at each other! And that’s beautiful.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

This! He climbs this! (Photo by Jeff Tumale on Unsplash)

Choose this one if: You love a romp, good action set pieces, fun spy capers, banter, you don’t need a strong bad guy to center around, increased landmark destruction, limited mask shenanigans, tropes are lampshaded

This might be the most fun of all the movies. And possibly the movie self-aware of the franchise as well. (If it’s not the most self-aware, it’s certainly the one that points out it’s self-awareness out loud the most often.)

I was initially shocked to discover this movie was directed by Brad Bird, who had previously only directed Pixar films. But if you think about it, who better to direct an action romp than the dude who helmed The Incredibles? It especially works because the action in these movies is often goofy and over the top.

Even if you haven’t seen this movie, you might be familiar with the most impressive stunt in it where Tom Cruise climbs the side of the Burj Khalifa, a super tall hotel whose sides are made up entirely of glass windows. It is pretty frickin’ incredible to watch and will make your adrenaline spike at the same time you’re laughing.

This movie probably also features one of my favorite car crashes ever (Tom Cruise purposefully driving off a ramp to go like twenty feet straight down).

Some of the movie doesn’t make much sense. But it’s so entertaining! You will laugh and enjoy. It’s not a chore. It’s just plain fun. The bad guy remains a mystery for a chunk of the movie and when he does finally appear he’s so underwhelming I can’t remember a single thing about him. But who cares? Tom Cruise climbs the Burj Khalifa!

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

Choose this one if: You want a straightforward action film

Of all the options, this one most solidly falls into the modern action movie category. I say that sort of rudely because I think this is the movie with the least personality. It’s more watchable than the second movie in the franchise, but it does not have a style. At least you know John Woo is doing John Woo. This movie doesn’t have a stamp on it.

It definitely has its moments. The opening is fun. Some of the technology is ridiculous in a good way (like Simon Pegg’s book computer or whatever the hell that thing is).

But I think ultimately it’s the most forgettable. Maybe if it just had a little more fun. There’s a pretty good moment after Ethan Hunt sort of drowns where he’s trying to do his normal action movie star thing but he can’t. The physical damage makes him slow down. But only for a couple minutes until he’s leaping around on motorcycles again. I thought it would have been much funnier and more memorable if he couldn’t recover, forcing him into increasingly desperate mental gymnastics as Simon Pegg attempts on the physical work.

I do remember that there were two bad guys who looked vaguely the same and I couldn’t tell them apart. Not much else has stuck in my brain!

Mission Impossible: Fallout

Choose this one if: You like when the stakes, action scenes and characters have all been cranked up to 11, you like some brooding and consideration, you like to see an action hero stare down previous actions and face the consequences of those actions

The first half of this movie is pretty good. The second half is nuts.

That’s a compliment.

I watched this one over the course of two nights. At the end of night one, I was a little underwhelmed. There had been some good scenes and moments (the fight scene in the bathroom being one), but I was waiting for something to click. Where were my mask shenanigans? Where was Tom Cruise running as fast he could?

The next night I sat down and the second half delivered hard.

I actually do like that in the first half of the movie, Ethan Hunt is forced to think about some of what he’s done. The brooding was extremely dramatic, but I am a sucker for the late installment of a franchise letting you know that the main character is messed up. It only makes sense that Tom Cruise would be traumatized by some of what’s happened to him! It doesn’t always make for super entertaining storytelling, but damn it if I don’t appreciate the swing.

And, like I said, the sheer amount of over-the-top absolutely ridiculousness of the second half more than makes up for a slow start.

If I have failed to capture your mood or preferences here, let me know, and I’ll happily assign you a Mission: Impossible movie to watch.

November 11, 2021
Turns out that the Mission: Impossible franchise is a rich text
For a reason I can’t quite explain to myself, I recently watched all six Mission: Impossible movies.

The embodiment of a popcorn flick. I snacked so much while I watched these movies. (Photo by GR Stocks on Unsplash)

I don’t have a long and storied history with these movies. I hadn’t even seen them all before. I don’t have strong feelings about Tom Cruise. Action isn’t particularly my genre. It’s just that one night I watched Ghost Protocol (the fourth movie of the M:I oeuvre one for the uninitiated) because it was on Hulu. And when it was over I thought, What if I just watched all these movies?

So that’s what I did.

As it turns out, I am in extreme danger of becoming mildly obsessed with the Mission: Impossible franchise. Not because I thought the films themselves were so amazing but because…I don’t know. Because 2020 and 2021 were hard and my brain has permanently rewired itself in some really weird ways?

For anyone who finds these movies enjoyable, I actually would recommend watching them all right around the same time. My method was watching one a week (sometimes splitting one movie up over the course of two nights). So it took me about six weeks to finish them all. Really just about the perfect timeframe for digestion.

I think that this watching method made my experience with Fallout (the latest movie, released in 2018) more enjoyable because I was already on the lookout for all the tropes. When certain things happened, I laughed way more than I should have. Just because all the other movies came to mind so vividly.

Because this is a personal blog and I can do whatever the heck I want, I’m basically planning a series of content about Mission: Impossible (I told you, I might have a problem). It seemed a waste to dedicate 12+ hours of my life to watching these movies only to boil it down into a basic ranking, so I won’t be doing that. (Also, not convinced I have a favorite. They’re a team effort, really.)

Instead, I want to write an article about how each movie is kind of its own genre while still fitting within the same action scope. Each movie really does have its own personalized take on the same stuff, which I found progressively more fascinating at the franchise progressed. I want to cover some of the best and worst moments by thinking about best stunts, best heists, worst use of Ving Rhames, etc.

There definitely needs to be a discussion on how women are used in these movies for sure. (Spoiler alert: They are generally not used well.)

Will I own this DVD one day? No, seems unlikely. But in my heart? Yes. (Courtesy of Paramount Pictures.)

And then I’ll see what else shakes out in the process. Will I do a full six article series to coincide with each film? Not on purpose. Will I watch the new one when it’s released? Oh yes. Unfortunately, I think I’m now a Mission: Impossible person. (The only thing more confusing than that is why the abbreviation for the second movie is M:i-2. Why the lowercase “i”? Why mix your punctuation in such a way? Who approved this!?)

For anyone unfamiliar with the movies or anyone who is only familiar with some of the more famous moments (okay, the famous moment where Tom Cruise* is hanging from a string in a white room), I thought I’d start with a little primer. Some common Mission: Impossible tropes. If you find these things vaguely charming and you like action movies, you might want to try them! On the flip side, if you find these things obnoxious, it’s best to steer clear.

List o’ tropes:
- Masters of disguise – These movies are full of disguises. And masks! I love a mask scene every time in happens and am more delighted the more ridiculous the reveal is. Anyone could be anyone! Did you check to see if they’re wearing a mask?
- Tom Cruise running a lot – I think it’s fairly common knowledge at this point that Tom Cruise loves to do his own stunts. He also likes to run fast on camera, I guess. He does it in every movie. And he has a very specific gait. My husband and I laughed every time he did it.
- The big twist – These are big, dumb action movies, but they’re also spy thrillers. So there’s always a twist about the bad guy or what happened or who did what. By the end of the series I got really good at predicting these right before they happened.
- Random big name actors you want to be on screen more – Anthony Hopkins is in M:i-2. Huh? Laurence Fishburne is in M:i:3. Excuse me? Tom Wilkinson is uncredited in Ghost Protocol. Keri motherfrickin’ Russell is in Rogue Nation and Angela Bassett is in Fallout! Why does Angela Bassett have less screen time than Superman! It doesn’t make sense!
- Funny stunts – Some of the stunts in these movies are very cool. Some of them are eh. Some of them are really funny. Whether because they’re over the top or purposefully comedic. One of my favorites is Tom Cruise driving a car off a ledge in a parking garage to crash it like twenty feet below. Or getting sucked in a plane when the door opens. Or nearly getting a helicopter blade to the throat. Or being in a car that rolls like eight times. My God. These movies are funny.
- The impossible mission moment – There’s always the overarching “your mission, if you choose to accept it” for the movie. The impossible mission moment goes beyond that. There’s some kind of information the team needs and to get it they have to break into a facility with extremely advanced security measures. This ends with Tom Cruise dangling from a string in a white room or holding his breath underwater for three minutes or setting up a screen the projects the hallway behind him so the security guard doesn’t notice as he pushes it closer to the desk.
- Tom Cruise struggling to move after getting the absolute crap kicked out of him – There’s a moment in every movie where Tom Cruise has done something reckless and has been completely physically wrecked by it. And then he really painfully and agonizingly tries to move around afterward. It’s great.
- The theme song – Obviously. I’ve had it stuck in my head for weeks. Some of the movies in the franchise use it better than others (shoutout to M:i-2 for the worst but funniest version), but it’s always there. And you can never stop it.
There you go! Interested but don’t want to watch them all? I’ll put out a list at some point in the nearish future that breaks down the general overall feel of each movie so you can pick your poison. Cerebral spy thriller, stupid early 2000s action nonsense, gritty reboot, light spy romp, the brooding one? Don’t worry, there’s a flavor that’s right for you.

Check back in for non Mission: Impossible related content at some point in the future. I’ll get there.

*I should mention that the character’s name is Ethan Hunt and everyone else in the movies will remind you of this by saying his name approximately 10,000 times each movie. But one of the aspects of the movies that’s so fun is they’re also about Tom Cruise playing spy. So we’re sticking with the name of the real guy.
October 14, 2021
Should we demand accuracy in our historical fiction?

I’ve experienced this thing several times in my life and I’m curious to know if it’s familiar to anyone.

When I don’t know much about a subject, I’ll have a general opinion about it. Then, the more I learn about that subject, I’ll learn nuances I didn’t know before and my opinion will take a sharp left turn. Then, as I learn even more, I mellow out and veer back in the direction of my original take.

She is judging the shit out of your movie. (Photo: Painting of a woman from the Rijksmuseum in the Netherlands. Public domain.)

For example, historical accuracy in works of fiction. I’ve always loved and been interested in history and liked watching period dramas, but in my younger days I didn’t think about it too deeply. If I heard something wasn’t accurate, I might briefly pause to think, “Huh” and then go about my day.

Then, as I started taking more serious history classes and seeing movies and TV depicting topics I knew stuff about, the issue of accuracy suddenly became much more important to me. I felt superior for knowing when things were inaccurate. I liked nit picking all the bits and pieces and reading more into the actual history.

While I still like reading into the actual history, I don’t care as much about all the details of a story being fully accurate anymore. Stories are stories for a reason and sometimes you have to fictionalize stuff. There are a lot of reasons to introduce inaccuracies into your narratives and many of them are fine.

It’s fine. Really, it’s mostly fine.

Let’s explore.

Real life doesn’t follow a neat narrative arc

One of the big real historical reasons people and events get messed with in books and movies is that they have to get messed with to make the story work.

If you’re writing a story, you typically want it to be compelling. That means character growth and an ending following a narrative climax and a timeline that makes sense for a limited runtime or number of written pages.

Two battles actually took place ten years apart or a piece of legislation was actually signed three years after the fact or the king had five close advisors instead of two?

Well, you try cramming in a time skip that makes sense or fully developing five dudes named Thomas so the audience doesn’t get confused and then report back.

Simplifying a story is often the choice that makes narrative sense. It may be sad for the weird nerds who have studied the primary documents, but there are only so many of us in the world.

Changes that are made to help make the story work are fine with me. Unless those changes are made to make the story rote and stale, then I take issue. (More on that below.)

There needs to be a connection for the audience

History is a really fascinating and tricky subject. Learning about how people used to think and behave can shock you, either because people back then are so similar to the way people are today or some of the things people used to think are so different than the way we think now. It’s kind of a weird contrast because sometimes people will do things you totally recognize (drawing graffiti dicks on things) and then do something baffling (shun someone for a seemingly innocuous religious belief).

Because of this, sometimes the story has to fudge history a little to help the audience relate the characters. It’s why you end up with a lot of historical fiction featuring women who want to make love matches and be the equal of their husbands and then start spouting some pretty suspiciously feminist stuff.

Sometimes, also, historical stories can serve as interesting metaphors and comparisons to modern life (science fiction is the genre most notorious for critiquing the present while talking about a different time, but it doesn’t own the concept!).

Marie Antoinette is a great example of this. A lot of the costumes and events are pretty historically accurate but the important thing about this film is not exactly what happens in it. Who cares if all the actors are speaking in their regular voices and not doing accents? Who cares if there’s a modern soundtrack? Sofia Coppola is helping the audience connect by showing how Marie Antoinette and her buddies acted in a way that’s not entirely different from entitled young people in the modern day. And it’s an approach that I think works overall.

We don’t really know exactly how stuff was anyway

We know written language (sometimes) and art (sometimes) and customs (at least some of them). We have access to the artifacts that have existed to today. But not everything made it. And when you can’t interact with the people in their own setting, you can’t know exactly how everything worked.

“What’s up?” “Oh, you know, just wondering if this battle could have been carved more accurately.” “Cool. I’m gonna stab you now.” “Dang.” (Photo by Massimo Virgilio on Unsplash)

We have our best guesses, but we don’t know everything. Drop a historian back into the time they’ve studied for years, and they’ll immediately find things they had thought about incorrectly. (This is one of the things I love about Doomsday Book by Connie Willis. How much the historians get wrong.)

Think about all those beautiful marble statues from ancient Greece and Rome. When we watch movies and TV shows, these statues are all pristine white, just like they are today. But it’s been discovered that these statues were actually covered in layers of paint and it’s just been such a long time that most of that paint has chipped away. Are you going to watch a movie set in ancient Rome with painted statues any time soon? Probably not. People still generally think of the white statues when they think about the time. It’d probably cause too much confusion for the audience. So it’s inaccurate. Does that make it wrong?

Keep in mind too that it’s impossible to eliminate bias. That applies to the people who wrote about historical events contemporaneously and the historians who came along afterward and interpreted those events and primary sources.

All that said, I would like to say that there are still some things that stick in my craw. I’m not willing to blanket forgive all inaccuracies.

Following tired tropes doesn’t make a better narrative

Sometimes stories are changed to make more narrative sense. Sometimes they are changed to fit into a set formula. This I do not like. People are messy and complicated and putting them into a paint by numbers script doesn’t do anyone any favors.

Biopics are horrible about this. Fitting a person’s entire life or entire career into a two hour movie is really difficult without completely flattening the person out. Why do we feel the need to this? Why can’t we show certain moments or key events and then lean into the weirdness and individuality that makes people who they are?

These kinds of changes are especially egregious when the person being covered was an outside the box thinker or actor but the movie about them is being forced into a narratively traditional box. I’m thinking of movies like Bohemian Rhapsody that do the real person a huge disservice. (Also The Imitation Game. Why did I have to watch movies about queer men that only showcased them having romantic relationships with women.)

I get making changes to fit a smart and compelling narrative. I don’t get making an interesting person’s interesting life boring and formulaic. That sucks.

Sometimes the real history is more interesting than the fiction

When looking up the history behind a movie before, I’ve discovered sometimes that what actually happened was far more interesting that whatever the movie did. And sometimes I have to wonder why the more interesting, real event wasn’t included.

One of my go to examples for this is Gladiator. Commodus was a bit of a wild card emperor who allegedly dressed up as a gladiator and fought in the games. I overall think his character is done well in the movie and that Joaquin Phoenix is probably the best part of the film.

And I guess dying in the arena sort of fits with the real guy and it makes sense for the movie. But in real life? Commodus was strangled in a bathtub by his wrestling partner Narcissus. And this was after an initial failed assassination attempt to poison him.

Uh, what! That’s wild. Work that into the movie, dude!

In addition, I think it’s worth pointing out who gets their story told at all. There are so many incredible interesting historical figures out there who have never had a movie made about them because they are the sort of people that tend to get overlooked. Instead of another biopic about a white guy who did a thing, could we get more movies about awesome bisexual sword fighting nuns/opera singers? (Julie d’Aubigny ruled. Make a movie about her!)

Ultimately, is it an entertainer’s job to present historical people’s lives and historical events accurately?

I’m not convinced. While a show or movie might be someone’s only reference point to history and it can certainly warp their view of the past, popular media can also serve as jumping off points for people to dig into these subjects more.

I’m less concerned about whether a dress has the right flounces or a battle takes place the right year than I am about producers falsifying stories to the point where they can become directly harmful. (Big side eye to every story that whitewashes real people or pretends people of color didn’t exist several hundred years ago.)

In a lot of cases, inaccuracies can be annoying for someone who knows a lot about the subject, but I guess you just kind of have to get over it. Nit picking something to do death is not really the most helpful form of critique.

To crib a quote from our buddy Maximus, it’s more important whether you’ve been entertained.

Don’t worry about it so much!

Unless it’s a Mel Gibson movie. Drag him through the mud.

September 22, 2021
Some stuff I liked in August

In the interest of continuing to produce content that adds to ever growing content pile that is the internet, here’s a new post! (Read my thoughts on the noisy world of content we live in if that’s your sort of thing.)

One of my goals for this blog is to write thoughtful or thoughtful-ish pieces that fully explore something I’ve recently read or watched or listened to (like this semi-recommendation of The Count of Monte Cristo).

But like anyone who has ever had to write an essay knows, having to start something thoughtful can be super daunting even if the actual practice of writing it isn’t that hard.

So, in the interest of making things easier for myself, I thought I’d give a couple mini-recs based on what I’ve consumed this month. Short and I don’t even have to remember that far back! Double win.

For your consideration…

YouTube: Great Art Explained

Also, check out the Arnolfini Portrait episode! So good!

I love a lot of channels on YouTube that feature smart people doing good research and talking about stuff at length. But the “at length” part can sometimes present a problem when I want to watch something less than half an hour long.

Enter Great Art Explained. I just discovered this channel a few weeks ago, and I love it. Not only because I’ve been learning the context behind famous paintings but because the creator holds himself to 15 minutes or less. Unlike a lot of other great channels where the video lengths creep ever upward, these are stuck at a length of 15 minutes(ish). Perfect!

Really all the videos I’ve watched so far are winners, but I really recommend the one on Judith Beheading Holofernes painted by Artemisia Gentileschi. You get historical context and actual art analysis all wrapped up in one. Good stuff.

Podcast: Maintenance Phase

Dr. Oz has a bad show, you guys!

Co-hosted by Aubrey Gordon and Michael Hobbes, this podcast focuses on “Debunking the junk science behind health fads, wellness scams and nonsensical nutrition advice.” It is a delight!

The hosts have so much fun together and really provide an invaluable service by diving into things you take for granted or don’t think about. Their early August episode on the BMI blew my mind.

Plus they are funny and usually keep it to about an hour so it’s just a good listen all around.

Newsletter: Butt News

I mean, you should be sold based on the logo alone.

I subscribe to several amazing newsletters that I will probably eventually try to force everyone to read, but the one that has brought me the most joy in August is Lindy West’s Butt News.

I’ve been a Lindy West fan for awhile and am so delighted I can read her writing regularly again.

Her movie recaps are hilarious and my favorite end cap of the past few weeks. (Bonus: if you read a few of those recaps and like them, then you should buy her book Shit Actually, which is full of movie reviews/recaps and caused me to laugh out loud multiple times.)

Don’t you want someone trying to figure out why the hell the characters in the first Fast and Furious movie are so obsessed with tuna making their way into your inbox every week? Yes, you do.

TV Show: Virgin River

Come for the ridiculous human drama, stay for the gorgeous shots of the the Pacific Northwest.

Virgin River is just a gentle, warm blanket you can wrap around yourself. In this Netflix show, a big city nurse moves to a small town in the Pacific Northwest following the tragic death of her husband and the curmudgeonly doctor who lives there doesn’t want her help.

Also, the local bar owner is ruggedly handsome and they have good chemistry. What might happen there? (You know what might happen there.)

This show hits the beats I expect in the best way. It’s full of drama, much of which could be solved by people communicating better, some medical drama and cases, and multiple romantic threads. It’s just a good time. And sometimes the characters have inexplicably dress up like lumberjacks or line dance or whatever.

That’s what I’ve got for you this month! For what it’s worth, I almost included Ever After, but I love that movie enough to write a long article about it. You know, one of these days.

August 26, 2021
Independence Day: 8 quotes to live by

I love Independence Day.

The movie, not the holiday. The holiday is fine, but fireworks freak out my dogs. The best part about July 4 is that it gives me an excuse to watch ID4 again.

One of the great parts about this movie? The special effects largely still hold up. (Twentieth Century Fox)

I’m not exactly sure where Independence Day falls in the cultural zeitgeist. It’s been my favorite movie since I was like nine (not counting the years where I pretended to be more sophisticated and like other movies better), but does anyone else really care?

All I really know for certain is that I love this dang movie and no matter how beloved it is by the world at large, I will persist in believing it is underrated. My husband also loves this movie and we quote it at each all the time for everyday situations. (Hot tip: Volunteering to drive? Say, “I can drive. I’m a pilot.” Whenever you get home from being out somewhere, say, “Hello boys, I’m baaaaack!”)

In honor of the recent holiday and the ridiculous status this movie has in my household, I’m serving up some fresh quotes that offer life lessons.

All you need is love. John Lennon. Smart man. Shot in the back. Very sad.

Julius Levinson, you wonderful weirdo.

Just to be clear, I’m not agreeing with the advice here. I don’t think all you need is love. There are very real obstacles that get in the way of love and those obstacles drive people apart and break up relationships all the time. David and Connie got divorced for a reason.

What I do support is spouting off quotes and aphorisms and then clarifying who said it and adding your own color commentary: “The early bird gets the worm. Ben Franklin. Invented bifocals. Had syphilis.”

Wouldn’t we all be better for this?

I’ve been sayin’ it. I’ve been sayin’ it for ten damn years! Ain’t I been sayin’ it, Miguel? I’ve been sayin’ it.

We use this one all the time in my house. Russell Casse has been telling everyone for ten (damn) years that he was abducted by aliens and he was a huge joke. Well, guess what? He was right!

The takeaway: Stick to your guns when you know you’re right. Even when people won’t listen. Maybe you can make some headway.

But if you’re driven to drink as a result, might I gently suggest therapy and other forms of help.

We got to work on our communication.

This is classic marriage advice. All married couples should have this embroidered on a pillow or tattooed on their persons or something. Work on your communication! All the time! And try not to withhold important information from your partner, like expecting the aliens to pull you in once you get close enough to the mother ship.

I could’ve been at a barbeque!

Have you been forced into some kind of obligation you would rather not do? (Like say, dragging an unconscious alien life form through the desert?) Unfair. Get mad about it if you want. You could have been doing something else! But now you have to be responsible.

This is why being an adult is not all it’s cracked up to be.

What is this? My God in heaven.

Really the follow up to this line, “So sue me, David!” cracks me up every time. Plus, David is delivering an important message about recycling. Let’s recycle, people.

You really think you can do all that bullshit you just said?

Great rejoinder. David asks Steve, “You really think you can fly that thing?” and then gets zinged back with the above. These characters are fully embodying “Fake it ’til you make it” here and I think that’s beautiful. Plus, both are able to pull off what they claim!

The lesson: Shed your imposter syndrome and embrace the uncomfortable. Make some bold claims and then try to fulfill them!

Well he just, um, did.

Another one said in my house constantly. This is after President Whitmore fires the Secretary of Defense who whines, “He can’t do that.” Well, bro, says Connie, he just did, so get over it.

People are gonna do stuff they aren’t supposed to do all the time. Sometimes it’s shocking and good. Sometimes it’s not as good. But what can you do but adapt?

He wants to impress me, he should get a job. Stop slobberin’ all over my shoes.

Boomer. You good boy. Your job is being a friendly, lovable doggo.

But Steve isn’t wrong. Dogs should get jobs. Freeloaders.

In conclusion

There are many many other quotes I could drop here, but writing this has made me want to go watch the movie again. So I’m afraid I’ll have to cut this short. Let me know if you learned any important life lessons from this classic summer blockbuster.

Nothin’ but love for ya.

PEACE.

July 9, 2021
Space is super terrifying…and maybe a little sad?
In the past year, I’ve watched two space movies that showed up on Netflix–The Midnight Sky and Stowaway. At the end of Stowaway I noted that both movies are pretty quiet pensive little movies that leave you on a note of hope but also seem to be permeated with melancholy throughout.

Is that a common feature of space movies, I wondered, or do these two in particular seem to speak to living through a pandemic? Both were written and filmed before the pandemic hit, so they’re not a commentary on the way things have been for the last year. Then, I thought, maybe space movies always have been a reflection of the pandemic and we just never realized it.

People trapped in a small space, trying to get along because they have no other options. Being forced to reckon with how deadly to go outside.

It looks innocent now, but it will try to kill you.

Because the last year has been frustrating and claustrophobic and terrifying and also really sad, I thought it was fitting to pick some space movies I’ve watched recently and rank them. First, in order of how terrifying space is and then in order of how sad it makes you feel. Just like 2020.

This fits. There’s something here.

There are so many movies I could have included but didn’t, so if you think a movie needs to be on this list, let me know! I won’t add it, but I’ll let you know how terrifying or sad I think it is.

In space, no one can hear you scream

These movies have been scientifically ranked from least scary to most scary. Don’t argue with the formula.
- The Midnight Sky
  - Something has happened to earth and it’s basically going to implode and kill everyone. That’s messed up, but it makes the earth scary, not space. There is a scene with the astronauts that proves space is deadly, but honestly, I mostly left this movie feeling like that space station was pretty cozy.
- The Martian
  - This movie is one big fight to keep a guy alive when Mars and space keep trying to kill him. But there are lots of jokes. The scariest part is probably Matt Damon near the end and how bad he must smell.
- Apollo 13
  - The whole movie centers around trying to get astronauts home and it’s suspenseful because space will definitely kill you! But it’s also a wholesome film about people doing a lot of creative problem solving. So it’s tense, the threat is there, but ultimately you get wrapped in a warm emotional blanket.
- Interstellar
  - This is another movie where earth is really scarier than space because it’s so messed up. However, Interstellar gets bumped up the list because space can also turn thirty minutes for you into like three decades on earth and then you miss out on everything like your kids growing up. That’s scary.
- Deep Impact
  - A giant asteroid could come wipe out the planet and there’s very little we could do to stop it. Even with an intrepid crew of brave astronauts. This move is pretty goofy and often corny, but it’s not that unrealistic. We know that earth has been visited by mass extinction events from space in the past.
- Stowaway
  - The whole premise of this movie centers around space being hostile. Your equipment breaks, your plants die, all of you are going down. Also, the spacewalk in this movie literally made me so sick to my stomach, I had to look away from the television until my husband told me it was safe again.
- Gravity
  - Space is so scary in this movie, it starts to verge on comic by the end. But literally everything that can go wrong will go wrong and it will remind you why space is a terrible idea! Don’t go to space! Just don’t do it!
- Event Horizon
  - I don’t remember this movie very well, but it has eternally scarred my psyche.
Ugly crying brought to you by the stars

Now we take the same group and rank them from least sad to most sad.
- Event Horizon
  - I don’t know we can even count this one. It will haunt your dreams but it exists somewhere outside of the sadness scale.
- The Martian
  - Too many jokes! I am not sad. I am delighted.
- Apollo 13
  - There is a strain of sadness in this movie (I’m bummed they didn’t get to land on the moon). But ultimately everything ends up okay. People figure it out! There is hope for us yet.
- Interstellar
  - Everyone cries in this movie. Matthew McConaughey misses his children growing up. Anne Hathaway lost her boyfriend. Matt Damon was trapped on an inhospitable planet alone and sobs when he sees another person again. (Honestly, relatable content.) Even the ending is pretty bittersweet. But then all the weird stuff in the third act distracts from the sadness enough to kick it down the list.
- Gravity
  - Is there a rule that astronauts have to have tragic backstories? Why must Sandra Bullock’s child be dead in this film? George Clooney floats away into nothingness to save her. Sad people trying to cope in traumatic situations is a whole genre and this one slides right in.
- Stowaway
  - These scientists were going to get to figure out some cool stuff. Instead all of their experiments were ruined. And this guy who didn’t want to be on the ship might never see his little sister again. And he and his sister are orphans after an apartment fire from when they were kids. Plus the characters have to wrestle with a deep ethical question. As a final piece of sadness, Toni Collette is good in this movie and I wish she got to do more.
- Deep Impact
  - Hear me out. This movie is mostly goofy and I don’t think it’s probably that good, but when the astronauts are saying good-bye to their families at the end and then the teenage girl gets her baby brother shoved in her arms by her mom? I was bawling real tears, my friends.
- The Midnight Sky
  - This movie radiates melancholy. My goodness. Earth is not in a good place, George Clooney has a tragic past/present, and while he accomplishes his goal of preventing the astronauts from returning to earth, it’s not like all the people left on earth are going to end up that great. If you think about the implications of this movie for too long, you will get real sad.
There it is. The official rankings. I’d say that I don’t make the rules, but I totally made the rules here. Pick something to make your evening scarier or sadder. And if you’re watching Stowaway, consider having a barf bag on hand.
June 2, 2021
Why does television keep telling us the same old birth story?

This adorable baby could have been born so many different ways! (Photo by Garrett Jackson on Unsplash)

So a character on TV is pregnant

A character on a show you watch is pregnant. You already know how this ends.

Her water breaks. Maybe she’s at home or at work or at the store. Maybe it’s the morning or the middle of the night. But her water water breaks suddenly and unexpectedly. She rushes to the hospital. Or, maybe she’s in a new place and wacky circumstances mean that she’ll have to say where she is so a random person has to deliver the baby instead. Regardless, it’s urgent. That baby is coming!

Her husband or partner is freaking out. Maybe he faints or cries or in some other way indicates he can’t handle it. Or maybe he’s somewhere else and in a mad rush to get to her in time before the baby is born.

Now it’s time. She’s screaming because giving birth hurts. She probably yells at some people. Maybe screams at her partner that she hates him. But ultimately, it’s not so bad. She pushes for a few minutes and then the baby comes out.

The hijinks come to an end. She gets handed a three-month-old covered in goo. Everyone is happy and crying. It’s probably the season finale. Depending on how important her character is and what type of show you’re watching, that baby might be vaguely mentioned and mostly forgotten future seasons or it might become a recurring character.

The end.

Why the standard birth scene?

Now, I’m not really here to complain about how this portrayal is unrealistic. Most people are probably aware at this point that the way birth is shown on TV is often not the way it goes in real life. Instead, I’m more concerned with why this became the narrative and why it seems to be the only one that we ever really get.

I think the most obvious argument in favor of this kind of birth scene is that it’s dramatic. Your water breaking unexpectedly is a great inciting incident! Having to get to the hospital before the baby is born or not being able to make it to the hospital or dad being stuck across town—maximum drama! Giving birth without an epidural makes for lots of screaming and interesting television! (Although I do think there’s a whole side question here about whether one of the reasons we always see this version is because on some level audiences like seeing women in pain.)

My kingdom for realistic portrayals of postpartum mothers!
I don’t have much, but I’ll give it all up.

Yeah, okay, it’s fairly exciting. And everyone loves a good baby. But you gotta make that shit the season finale because nobody wants to see all that immediate after the birth drama of getting stitched up or trying to nurse for the first time or getting your catheter removed once the feeling as returned to your legs after an unplanned C-section. What I wouldn’t give to see a woman sitting on a toilet and using a peri-bottle. My kingdom for realistic portrayals of postpartum mothers!

I wonder if some of the sameness of birth stories stems from the fact that writers’ rooms used to be pretty much all men (and, you know, lots still are). There’s a lot to explore through pregnancy and birth, ways to deepen characters beyond the standard beats we already get. Maybe writers have been unaware of that? Or, maybe, they just haven’t cared.

Let’s shake things up

Maybe it’s just because I freaking love hearing people’s birth stories, but expanding the way births are told on television could give us so much more interesting fare.

At this point, I’d be remiss to ignore shows that did break the mold with great success. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend featured your standard water breaking, but then Heather was in no rush to get to the hospital, and when she did get there, she had an epidural and calmly worked on crosswords while she waited for labor to progress. Also, if you haven’t watched “The Miracle of Birth” number, do yourself a favor. It’s incredible.

Superstore had Amy’s labor offer a commentary on how screwed up the American healthcare system is and had Dina getting an unplanned C-section. Refreshing as heck. (Also, a second shout out to Superstore for giving Amy practically no maternity leave and showing another example of how far behind America lags on this stuff.)

I can’t help think of all the other ways that different kinds of birth could reveal character and create drama. When I went into labor with my first, I had contractions for a full twenty-four hours before I went into active labor. I ran errands and finished an audiobook and paced around my house and around the neighborhood while my husband tried to finish a coding project to graduate the code bootcamp he was in. Think of the fun subversion of someone’s contractions starting and then all the amazing jokes you could pack in while waiting for labor to really kick into gear. I’m thinking of “The One Where No One’s Ready” as a blueprint here–one of the most beloved episodes of Friends!

Or maybe, like with my second, you’re planning on a straightforward birth and then the baby flips around breech at the last second and you plan for a C-section and then your water breaks and you have to go in for surgery before you planned. I got super emotional when my original plans for giving birth were upturned and the whole experience was really dramatic for my family. Things like that might seem high stakes when it happens to some random person on the internet, but if it happened to a beloved TV character? So much to explore!

Granted, that would mean that you would have to see characters making birth plans and talking through options and getting a sense of their communities and the quality of their care and the people they talk to about their hopes and fears. Which…good luck with that.

Life is a rich tapestry

Those two examples are just scratching the surface. My experiences were a lot different than the ones on TV, but they were still the experiences of a middle class white person with access to healthcare. What about the women who have struggles, who get trapped in the disparities? How are their stories different? This could help highlight a lot about how messed up giving birth in America can be.

Every birth is different. You get told that a lot when you’re pregnant, but it’s super true. Having a kid born one way doesn’t guarantee the next one will be too. People who give birth have different risk levels, hold different economic statuses, are different races and ethnicities, and are even different genders. All these factors make each experience so personal and individual.

And I think it’s a shame that the way television tells birth stories means that we think they’re all the same. Life is a rich tapestry. Writers are writing characters with specific interests and backgrounds and personalities. Those could all come into play in unique and surprising ways while they’re giving birth!

So why don’t they?

And what are the untold stories we’re missing out on?

May 5, 2021